February 2012
2 posts
1 tag
One of the more underrated things about an overrated city is the
subway system in New York. Yes, even writing a sentence about New York feels fatigued, but the subway is both the most New York thing about New York—insofar as it represents the city’s rushed and wedged commuters flailing about—and also a pretty jolting stimulant. Which is what New York is supposed to be, or at least...
1 tag
I almost died this morning
The corner of Humboldt and Metropolitan Ave in East Williamsburg almost turned into the scene of my death this morning. I was listening to Robyn, and wearing sunglasses, so when I made the turn to cross Metropolitan, I didn’t see the incoming truck until it was almost too late.
“Until it was almost too late” could have been any number of sentient beings that have a brush with...
January 2012
4 posts
2 tags
I never understood why Adrenalin Junkies confused, or worse, terrified the people more apt to “playing it safe.” Every time I’ve seen someone squirm as a person does some BASE jumping, skydiving or bungey jumping—most likely this squirming happened while we were watching said activities on the television—I can’t grasp their fear for this stranger.
Certain...
2 tags
4 tags
Talking to my fictional kid about booze
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”-Henry David Thoreau
Dear kid I may or may not have at some point in my life (for now, condoms are a must),
First off, congrats on being created! The amount of drugs I’ve gobbled in my adolescence means your very existence is a small gift from, well lets not get into the God discussion quite yet.
I love you little man or...
2 tags
Exactly 1 Year Ago Today
I woke up in a New Orleans jail without any knowledge of how I got there. It was the end of my final bender before I quit drinking, and I went out the same way I’ve always imbibed: excess bordering on the mad; Rimbaud at 19 in a hash and mezcal haze in a forgotten barn, except in my case, there was no literary output or even a soupçon of intelligence.
I’m glad one of my best buddies...
December 2011
5 posts
2 tags
"Feminist" is not a pejorative
I love boobs and sex and loathe the chaste philosophy of Stephanie Meyer’s narratives, but my sometimes piggish objectification of women as sexual objects doesn’t change the fact that if you can’t understand why a feminist perspective is important to every man, than you’re either woefully self-centered, or you’re a covert misogynist (I’ve been called, perhaps...
1 tag
Eventually, eventually happens
Eventually everyone has to clip their finger nails. Whether you’re a once-a-weeker, or just whenever you catch them on something, everyone has to cut their fingernails (except those strange and depressing figures in Guinness World Record books).
The same could be said for “catching up on life.” You put off grocery shopping or laundry and eventually you have like 10 things to do...
1 tag
College happened a long time ago.
The...
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On Keeping Things I Don't Use
In college, I owned a double-bed made of wood that featured a hard, flat surface which worked for my nonchalance about thread counts, or any comfort associated with a contraption for sleeping. I didn’t sleep much anyway, and when I did, it was mainly to pass out.
But with a narrow double-bed, women did not sleep over, and if they did, that meant I slept on the floor (STILL OK), or on the...
1 tag
The Schadenfreude Towards Happy Sober People
The irreconcilable confusion some people have felt towards my happiness as I avoid imbibing alcoholic beverages, is the most shocking thing about being sober. It’s not the clarity I have recalling nights at the bar; it’s not the energy I now have on weekends, or the frequency I can make it to the gym; it’s the apprehension people have when they’re in my presence and...
November 2011
6 posts
1 tag
How to Survive an Entire Day Without Wearing a...
First, you should probably be male. Our puritanical forefathers have instilled in Americans a fastidious abhorrence of nudity, and that continues today (see also Janet Jackson). That nudity we loathe goes double for an areola and teet on top of fat on top of a pectoral muscle. Sorry ladies. But, if you’re male, you can go an entire day without wearing a t-shirt in November. It’s not...
4 tags
Be Careful Bloggers
The blogger had filed 20 or so stories surrounding Zuccotti Park and the denizens that make up its protest/movement. The various stories filed, and one story in particular, meant the reporter had developed a massive following on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook. They’d been able to capture multiple incidents showing the NYPD violently barring non-violent protestors from remaining on...
2 tags
Visiting the New York State Department of Labor on...
The man waited patiently for the G train. He waited and waited while reading his phone. He waited some more and tried to covertly read The New Yorker magazine. The discretion he employed upset him, but an innocuous joke on Twitter had made him self-conscious about reading the magazine in public. Finally, the G train arrived and took him south towards Fulton Street near the A,C lines. After...
1 tag
The Best People Go Too Soon
A friend of my sisters, and someone I haven’t spoken to in more than a decade, just lost their mom this week. It came as a shock to the family and to everyone that knew them. She had been a Methodist Minister in my hometown and everyone adored her.
Even though I haven’t seen or spoken to her in more than 10 years, I’ll always remember how kind she was to me when there was...
1 tag
An Overdue Appreciation for the Handjob
The handjob. A hand. A penis. Some rhythmic caressing, usually in a masturbatory motion then, climax. It’s a move as old as time. It’s also a sexual maneuver usually performed under the age of 20. After that point, most of us have had sex a few times and a handjob, whether giving or receiving, feels a little puerile. That’s why it’s an excellent word for a lighthearted...
2 tags
If you’re thinking of moving to New York City,...
October 2011
1 post
1 tag
Dear Proprietor of F__________,
We have followed your site, F__________ for a while now. We have read your posts and they seem entertaining and well conceived. We think you’ll be a good addition to our staff here at __________.
We can’t pay, but you’ll get your own byline with a bio attached to your website/twitter/Facebook page. The site averages _ million visitors a month, but we’re growing very...
September 2011
3 posts
1 tag
Consider a Job at Barnes & Noble
Rather than stay on the train headed back to the dilapidated apartment he called home, the late 20’s man decided at the last minute to wade through the mass of people blocking the train door—and in the process hitting a stranger on the nose with his thumb* for which he profusely apologized—and head into the B & N that stood as a testament to the slightly less-than midcult...
1 tag
You're Littering
It’s recently come to my attention that I litter. A lot. I’m the type of person to hold on to an empty can of Dr. Pepper or a peach pit (not that one) or the cellophane around my new pack of cigarettes, until I can reach a garbage receptacle to throw them away. I’m not alone. I don’t know anyone that consciously throws their trash on the ground. While this does occur with...
6 tags
I'll Never Have to Wait For a Gillette Stadium...
Every football fan knows going to an NFL game isn’t exactly the best use of your finances. With improved televisions and an inability to afford some of the personal licenses required to see your favorite team in person, many have opted for the stay-at-home method of following their local team. This isn’t so easy when you don’t live in your hometown.
When you do splurge for a game, you want it...
August 2011
6 posts
2 tags
You Poor Sober Bastards!
This was my common refrain for the first 27.86 years of my life. The myth goes as such: the narcotics found in nature, or discovered in the synthetic laboratory of man, have helped to embellish or augment the “art” of hundreds thousands millions most if not all “artistes.” This is horseshit. Even at my hedonistic apogee, I never once thought drugs and drink made me a better...
3 tags
"Enjoy the Adventure"
With those words, my mom brought a certain illogical twist to this weekend’s horror that is Hurricane Irene. With all the jokes and debate on twitter, tumblr and everywhere else on the web, it’s easy to get caught up in the hoopla that surrounds something like this; Hurricane Irene actually arriving in the cold waters of the Northeast. Specifically, my home in New York.
...
1 tag
Crazy Stupid Soul Mates
The first hour and a half of Crazy Stupid Love reminds moviegoers that our romantic comedy palette need not be relegated to the sticky-sweet love story, which has become the template for Rom Coms that have dominated the box office over the last three decades. No, instead, the writers behind Crazy Stupid Love offer a refreshing take on marriage, dating, and relationships; it’s a narrative that we...
2 tags
The gift of excitement
Picture you’re going camping with your friends. You drive five hours into the middle of nowhere, and get a cabin for the night. The cabin sits on the edge of a large lake, and you can’t see or hear the sound of humans anywhere. You’re totally alone and isolated.
Now imagine rowing out to an island on the lake with your friends, and finding a bottle sticking out of the ground....
3 tags
After Getting Declined for $40 at the Automated...
I once did a post about how I’m poor but not impoverished. I stand by that assessment of my life because I have things, and right now I even have an apartment. With my final paycheck absent from my account, my former employer unresponsive to emails, and unemployment benefits crawling along at a political pace tied up in forms and screens that I can’t access after 7:30 pm,...
3 tags
On Getting Laid Off
I lost my job this past Monday, and stayed in bed for three straight days re-watching the NBC drama Life with Major Winters Damian Lewis as Charlie Crews.
It would turn into a self-serving shame spiral of a spurned Spencer, and I only pulled myself up with halfhearted alliteration writing about myself in the third-person Rickey Henderson style.
For three days I never left bed except to get an...
July 2011
2 posts
1 tag
How to Make it Through the Summer Sober
Summer is lazy and it gets even lazier as the first heat of June and July stretches into the clinging humidity of August. How do you combat all that heat, sun, and bottled up exuberance while sitting in an office for the majority of your day? Drinking! Summer is also the most popular time to indulge in the salubrious effects of alcohol. You can drink in the winter to kill the cold—but it’s more an...
2 tags
Why doesn't anyone go to the library anymore?
I’m always shocked when people tell me they don’t go to the library.
It’s always open. From 11-1 & 2:30-4 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
They never have the book you’re looking for, but they have five books you would never want to read.
Getting a library card couldn’t be easier. You just need a picture ID, a social security card, a passport, proof of...