How to Survive an Entire Day Without Wearing a Shirt
First, you should probably be male. Our puritanical forefathers have instilled in Americans a fastidious abhorrence of nudity, and that continues today (see also Janet Jackson). That nudity we loathe goes double for an areola and teet on top of fat on top of a pectoral muscle. Sorry ladies. But, if you’re male, you can go an entire day without wearing a t-shirt in November. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
The weather outside is frightful in November, unless you’ve been blessed with balmy temperatures like New York has over the last couple days. If you’re a smoker this is doubly challenging since you’re probably not smoking inside your apartment. You might not be a card carrying Polar Bear Club member yet, but even when it’s balmy out, smoking shirtless draws unwanted stares and it’s still pretty cold —regardless of the forecast—in the month of November.
Then there’s the issue of work. If you’re attempting this on a weekend, great! But also—you need to find more things to do on your weekends without work. For unemployed people or better yet, freelancers or bloggers that work from home, you’re all set.
Do you have roommates?
I do, and both of them work from home too. One of them teaches guitar lessons, so random people are always coming over to our apartment. This means I have to plan on being in my room at certain moments if I’m shirtless. As my roommate once explained to me: “I can’t have your tatted torso all over our living room when students come by.” Point taken, so I move into my claustrophobic bedroom every now and then. No big deal. If you live alone, even better.
Food. You should be well stocked with grub for your day without anything covering the upper portion of your body. If you HAVE to go out to get something to eat, then you better be sure the “no shirts no shoes no service” policy doesn’t apply. I ate eggs, ramen, more eggs, and some oven pizza with pasta. Yes, I’m glad you asked, I am poor.
Most people who work from home go outside to break up the monotony of their day, but you’ll have to make do with staring out the window during this day without proper attire. Unless you want to stroll around your neighborhood shirtless in November. Again, if you’re like me and you smoke, then you get your outside time with the bonus of nicotine. Unfortunately, people will always stare at a shirtless person because going shirtless in November is a stupid and childish thing to do—and also a ridiculous thing to blog about (to an audience of zero).
Do you have central heating? Do you pay your utility bill? How securely do your windows close? These are important questions to ask yourself before attempting this feat of idiocy. That’s because a normal, lets say 68 degree apartment, isn’t warm enough to go sans shirt. Also, very little in life is as painful as catching an inflamed nip in a closing refrigerator door or the edge of your desk.
In a perfect world, I’d live near a beach and spend all day, every day, without a shirt. I don’t particularly care for them or any sort of constricting clothing, but they’re necessary 99.99% of the time, in the actual world. Men and women have been living with a layer of fabric covering their torsos for centuries. But why? Seriously, why? There aren’t any hygienic issues in play when you’re talking about exposed genitalia, so why do we always wear shirts? Again, these stupid questions aren’t directed at women because in some states women aren’t legally allowed to go without a shirt.
Matthew McConaughey, besides being a shitty actor with impossible to duplicate pectoral and abdominal definition, was also on to something with his naked bongo playing. I’m not saying go naked or even play bongos, I’m saying at least take off that shirt. But, I’m not Matthew McConaughey, and chances are pretty high you, the reader (haha—someone actually reading this), aren’t him either. So we’re left with our t-shirts, flannels, sweatshirts, blouses and the dreadful tank tops instead.
All that being said, with a little preparation, you too can go shirtless for an entire day. Good luck, dorks. Now go get a job or pitch a tent (heh) down at some random park near a building that’s supposed to symbolize power.
