Spencer Lund

Figurative Onanism

The Schadenfreude Towards Happy Sober People

The irreconcilable confusion some people have felt towards my happiness as I avoid imbibing alcoholic beverages, is the most shocking thing about being sober. It’s not the clarity I have recalling nights at the bar; it’s not the energy I now have on weekends, or the frequency I can make it to the gym; it’s the apprehension people have when they’re in my presence and I’m enjoying myself. Especially so when they’re with me at the bar: that dingy place where alcoholics are never supposed to venture.

I fuckin’ love bars, sometimes clubs and certainly lounges (who doesn’t enjoying lounging?), but this is supposed to be where I’m at my weakest. That’s simply not the case. Sure, when I first stopped boozing, I stayed in a lot more, but I realized I’m uniquely capable of enjoying the pleasantries and hedonism that flows through the crowd at a drunken bar on a Friday or Saturday night—or at happy hour during the week.

There are a lot of alcoholics that don’t feel this way. Their friends tell them things like: “Oh, you were so much more fun when you were drinking. Here let me get you a round.” Thankfully, except in situations where they simply forgot, my friends don’t say or do this. If anything, now people have to ask themselves whether I’m fucking with them. It’s all well and good to say outlandish things when you’re wasted, but do so when you’re sober and people are going to be genuinely perturbed—unless they actually know me. Unless they’re not exhibiting schadenfreude at my happiness—as quirky as it may be.

This happiness confuses people and does so even more when I tell people I don’t go to AA; although, I have been to a meeting where everyone was very courteous and cool, and it really does help some alcoholics, it’s not my thing. There are about 1000 more words I could write about how some people don’t take your sobriety seriously unless you’re in some program, or going to meetings every couple days and going through the steps, but that’s not what this is about.

Instead I’d like to focus on those people who are secretly rooting for this whole sobriety thing to make me feel like I’m missing out on something. Why? Is it because I was always the barometer for indulgent, hedonistic and ultimately damaging behavior and no matter what someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend did during the course of a night out, at least they could fall back on the knowledge “Well, at least they’re not S_____r.”

Is it because someone had a secret wager I wouldn’t be able to make it this long without a drink of my beloved Makers Mark? Maybe people think I’m secretly judging them for their imbibing? I’m not! Far from it. In fact, I generally encourage people to drink more because it’s fun and they’re more open to the quasi-ridiculous, covertly taboo conversations that occur when you’ve been drinking. Or, they’re more willing to discuss the three most interesting subjects to talk about while at the same time also being the most frowned upon in “polite society.”

The Holy Trinity of Bar Conversation Subjects (not necessarily in this order):
Politics
Religion
Sex

I love talking about those three things. LOVE IT! That’s probably why the whole 9-5 cubicle thing wasn’t very much fun, but it’s also why I love going out to where people are drinking. People are more relaxed when alcohol is involved. So, why is it so unfathomable to comprehend that I would still feel this way too?

Do people think I’m thrusting my sobriety onto them? Not so dissimilar from judging drinkers, does being sober and happy mean I’m somehow better? FUCK NO! You’re the lucky ones drinkers! I would never, ever tell someone they’re an alcoholic. It’s something you arrive at on your own. So why are you so freakin’ annoyed at my delight in life without the bourbon goggles?

I get it, I think, but it’s hard when so many people are rooting against your enjoyment. It’s not easy to stay sober in a bar, but it’s not entirely difficult for me either. I just don’t drink. I order a lot of seltzer water, root beer, ginger ale, Redbull, Coca-Cola Classic etc. and move along to a conversation.

This is not some master plan. I did not go through steps, I did not submit myself to a higher power because there is no higher power than myself and my own free will, and my free will is telling me “Don’t drink man—you’re happier without it.” So I don’t.

Why the fuck would that decision not be encouraged? And why should anyone complicate it with their own convoluted theories on the subject. The only ones that can lecture me, and they NEVER would, are fellow alcoholics. But alchies don’t do that shit. We’ve spent too much time on the receiving end.

Now go get your drink on, and lets talk about “pegging.”

  1. spencerlund posted this