Spencer Lund

Figurative Onanism

Talking to my fictional kid about booze

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”-Henry David Thoreau

Dear kid I may or may not have at some point in my life (for now, condoms are a must),

First off, congrats on being created! The amount of drugs I’ve gobbled in my adolescence means your very existence is a small gift from, well lets not get into the God discussion quite yet. 

I love you little man or woman, but I may have passed on a genetic trait that predisposes you to dangerously manic behavior that manifests itself under the influence of alcohol. That’s not to mean you can’t drink, but you’ll have a preternatural affinity with “the sauce,” and that can lead to some problems.

As such, there are some steps you can take to combat alcohol’s effects in your every day life. First, don’t drink a ton of alcohol during your development. This will adversely affect your biological maturation, but more importantly, your idea of self-worth will be tied to the effects of alcohol. 

When you’re discovering who you are, during puberty and the time after, alcohol can sometimes be a crutch used to navigate the often tricky, and never easy, passage through high school and college. You’ll find yourself more willing to open up, and engage with strangers if you’ve had a couple bourbons. 

Don’t let this fool you. You’re gonna be a gorgeous and righteous kid, and no amount of alcohol will augment that. If anything, it will only stunt your development—both psychologically and physically. So take it easy during the high school house parties. You’ll be a cool little boy or girl, and won’t need to imbibe to overcome a crushing self-loathing because me and your mom will love the shit outta you. You’ll evoke confidence in everything you do, and even if you don’t, you’ll still know we got your back no matter what.

Then again, my parents loved the shit outta me, and that wasn’t enough. It may not be enough for you, but in the end, you’ll do fine. Just remember to never lose your curiosity.  

Curiosity is a funny thing. Curiosity about the world can lead you to experience some of the greatest joys life has to offer. Curiosity about the dampening effects on emotion that drugs and alcohol can produce is often a dangerous game, and I’d just as soon see you earnestly emotive, than closed off and cold because you’re stoned as fuck. 

Drugs and alcohol can be excellent experiences in your life too, but they shouldn’t become your life. That’s sounds convoluted—and it is—but I’ll be there to walk you through it. In the beginning, I’ll make sure you read plenty of the Transcendentalists—including Emily Dickinson—as well as listen to a ton of Marcia Griffiths on cold, winter days. Thoreau and Emerson will teach you about self-reliance, and there’s nary a mention of creating a gravity bong from old soda bottles. 

The sun is always out, even when the sky is overcast; it’s best if you remember this when you’re deep in the sludge of the world. I’ll be around the whole time, so you won’t have to figure it out alone. I didn’t. 

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