Why doesn’t anyone go to the library anymore?
I’m always shocked when people tell me they don’t go to the library.
- It’s always open. From 11-1 & 2:30-4 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
- They never have the book you’re looking for, but they have five books you would never want to read.
- Getting a library card couldn’t be easier. You just need a picture ID, a social security card, a passport, proof of residency, fingerprint scan results, background check results from a licensed private investigator, security clearance, and at least one TSA pat down.
- If your book is overdue, you’re only charged a few cents each day rather then not being charged at all. It’s a helpful reminder to return your library book and race against time to finish the book you wanted to leisurely enjoy.
- Library books do not allow you to write in them, so you’re not stuck with any sort of witty quip or deep thought in the margin of a particularly long passage.
- There isn’t any way to return your books when the library is closed because they’re always open—like diners in Clearwater, FL.
- They don’t have liquor licenses.
- Music is never played in libraries, and you never have to speak above a whisper.
- The computers are really outdated and take forever to work—plus you have to wait for an open computer since they’re always occupied, but that just leaves you more time to skim the antiquated books they assign 9th graders. You can never read Ethan Frome enough.
- They’re never close to where you live, since there aren’t many of them around anymore, so you have to perform rigorous due diligence to find out where they are.
- For New Yorkers, you need a library card for Brooklyn and a separate library card for Manhattan. This is extremely helpful since Brooklyn and Manhattan are basically two different countries separated by a vast river. You wouldn’t want to get your books confused.
- Librarians are laughably underpaid, so helping you find a book is a lot of fun for them as they struggle to pay off student loans and feed themselves.
- Speaking of food, you can’t eat in libraries.
- Or smoke.
- Or pass gas.
It’s always surprising when people tell me they don’t go to the library.
