Spencer Lund

Figurative Onanism

How to Make it Through the Summer Sober

Summer is lazy and it gets even lazier as the first heat of June and July stretches into the clinging humidity of August. How do you combat all that heat, sun, and bottled up exuberance while sitting in an office for the majority of your day?

Drinking! Summer is also the most popular time to indulge in the salubrious effects of alcohol. You can drink in the winter to kill the cold—but it’s more an agent of warmth for seasonal stagnancy. Summer is the season of alcohol because it quenches your thirst (while dehydrating you at the same time), loosens you up, and enhances all the outdoor activities inherent when the weather turns nice. With a smorgasbord of deck parties, BBQ’s, camping, baseball games, boating, camping, rounds of golf, outdoor concerts, beach parties, weddings, and lounging by the pool in your bathing suit nursing a piña colada, there’s no escaping the hooch we know and love.

But what if you can’t drink alcohol? I know it sucks, but what do the sober amongst us do?

Here are some handy tips to survive this summer while staying off the booze train that’s currently partying all around you (and it truly is survival if your friends are anything like mine). For the vast majority of you, take this as a lesson in decorum around those of us who aren’t lucky enough to enjoy those delicious cocktails you’re currently sipping.



“Why don’t you drink?”
This question, or some such iteration of it, will never go away. You’re going to be asked this at least 1000 times this summer as you go to the various activities mentioned above, and if you’re trying to stay sober for the rest of your life, you’ll have to answer it roughly 100,000 more times. One way to avoid the ubiquitous question of “why” is to simply avoid going out entirely. It’s a pretty basic defense against temptation, but awful lonely and claustrophobic. * There are ways to use this question to your advantage if you do decide to go to a party though.

You can lie.

It’s not an important lie, but sometimes it’s just none of their business. I’m pretty open about why I don’t drink, ** but I often lie anyway because it’s so damn fun. It’s not all that different from having fun with people you meet when they ask you what you do (I used to live inside the beltway, and was the first question people asked after introductions were made).

Try and see what the funniest reason you can come up with for why you’re not drinking. I use pregnancy or that I’m training for a roller skating race as my reasons sometimes, but find your own. This doesn’t mean you have to poke fun at your sobriety—it’s often hard and pretty serious—but taking a light-hearted approach can make it easier.

Or you can tell the truth if you’re cool doing that, but don’t let the question nag at you and worry about what others will think. They’re going to think that anyway, so why not have some fun with it?

Bring your own drinks
I cannot stress this enough. Your days of splitting 30 packs of Genny Light and a bottle of Makers Marker with your buddies are gone. You’re also going feel like an idiot if you pay for a keg cup when you’re not drinking from the keg. Also, never share your drinks. Ever! I found myself at a house party once where someone had consumed all my non-alcoholic drinks, and I was left only milky Brooklyn tap water as a last resort before perishing of thirst. Selfishness flies in the face of general party etiquette where there’s a communal spirit of sharing booze, but your friends and party peers should understand. If they don’t, you’re at a shitty party anyway, and there are better things to do with your time.

Here are some drinks I like to bring instead of alcohol:
•    Redbull—summer can leave you feeling drained, and heat always makes you sleepy, but Redbull cures all. So does cocaine, but it’s probably a good idea to stay away from other drugs if alcohol wasn’t working for you. Plus, cocaine while you’re sober is pretty terrible (I’ve heard).
•    Soda water or soda. I know this sounds cavity-inducing, but soda is tasty if you find what works for you. I like Dr. Pepper. Even Dr. Pepper’s ugly cousin—Mr. Pibb—still tastes good and refreshes you. Some might prefer Ginger Ale or Sprite or good ol’ fashioned Coca-Cola Classic. Whatever breaks up the monotony of water will work. I’ll sometimes drink Ginger Ale out of a lowball glass when I’m at a bar or a party because of the way it looks. It’s almost identical to Justerine and Brooks—except the whole alcohol thing.
•    Juice. Hi-C, Kool-Aid, Juicy Juice, Mott’s Apple Juice, pineapple, orange, and cranberry juice. Juice! Think of it this way: you’re almost leading a child’s life again with no booze sloshing through your relieved liver, so let your mouth savor that juice you sluiced up so often before you got your first fake ID. It will make you feel better, I promise.
•    Smoothies. Not to be confused with milkshakes or ice cream floats. These require some fruit and juice blended together to create a perfect helping of something tasty and refreshing when you’re baking in the sun all day. Keep in mind, if you’re doing the blender thing, other people are going to want to make their own smoothie with vodka and rum in place of your delicious juice and sliced fruits. It’s the nature of a blender at a party—others will invariably want to take part with adult beverages. Don’t be an asshole, but make sure you get your drinks made first.
•    Ice Cream Floats and Milkshakes. Soda and ice cream! Milk and ice cream! Ice cream! I’m old fashioned (also one of my favorite drinks when I imbibed), so I go with a Root Beer Float, but lots of sodas work with ice cream, and milkshakes never taste bad.
•    Arnold Palmers. Ahhh, the alcoholic’s best friend. It’s got a nice name, so you don’t feel silly ordering a cranberry juice and repeating that menstruation line from The Departed for the 10th time that month. Plus, they’re so delicious with half lemonade, half iced tea; it’s a drink fit for the man it was named after. Stay away from John Daly’s.
•    O’Douls. Haha. I’m just messing around. I don’t know anyone that drinks NA beer. I once worked behind a bar in the UES and I found four O’Douls in the back of the fridge. The manager told me they had been sitting in that spot for well over five years. If you are one of the few who enjoy NA beer, don’t let me or any other Debbie Downer give you crap about it.

So you’ve got your drinks, and you’re armed with an assortment of rebuttals when some inquisitive soul decides to enquire about your sobriety. Now what?

Talk to people
Believe it or not, you can converse with people without the effects of alcohol. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s true. If you were a gregarious person drinking, then you can be that same person without drinking. If you tended to drink alone, then you’ll probably still prefer being alone. Some people’s personalities change a lot when they quit the sauce, and talking to wasted people is a defense mechanism against temptation, but we’re all different. Do what feels comfortable.

If you are at a party, you’re hopefully with some friends (who goes to parties where they don’t know anyone?) so talk to them. If you’re single, go flirt with some people and maybe you’ll hit it off? It will relieve the tension. If talking with people produces its own tension and that’s why you drank in the first place, then maybe don’t go to parties. Or at least wait until you overcome your social phobia, and only go to small gatherings where you know everyone.

One of the first things I realized after quitting the sauce was how much I enjoy talking with people who ARE drinking. It loosens most people up, and you can get into all sorts of interesting debates and mini-arguments. The great part of this is that you’re sober. You’ll remember all the insanely delightful things people are saying the next day. The downside is you’ll also remember all the awful behavior that can sometimes occur as a result all that fun bourbon. But…

Don’t be a judgmental prick simply because you’re sober
This is a really hard one, and you’re going to have to work at it. Or, again, DON’T GO TO PARTIES! No one likes being judged, and especially not from an alcoholic. There are plenty of people who enjoy alcohol in moderation and even those who can enjoy it in the extremes. It sucks, but you’re not one of them. Don’t make others feel bad simply because you can’t drink anymore. Sober people, listen to me carefully: you are NOT better then people who drink. You aren’t standing on any morally superior high ground; you aren’t pure because you don’t drink. You’re just the person who should have the car keys at the end of the night. If this is a problem for you after you quit drinking, then avoid people who drink. They’re going to instantly hate you for ruining the calming influence a few drinks bring most people.

Don’t keep bringing up your sobriety or crazy drunk stories.
I’m well aware of the irony of this because I’m writing about being sober, but it becomes tiresome and then grating after a while. Everyone has a crazy “I was wasted…” story and yours might even be better then most because you’re an alcoholic and something must have gotten you to quit, but people don’t want to be reminded of the negative side-effects of drinking. They’re drinking because they can handle it. You can’t, so shut the hell up already about that time you woke up in the gutter with lipstick all over your thigh and a wig in place of your underpants. Most of your friends were present for all those shenanigans, and for those who don’t know you, those stories will leave an impression almost as bad as if you drank too much anyway.

Go make more stories instead of repeating the old ones from when you could booze. You’re not just a lush (I hope).

Dance
Ugh. I know. This is a particularly heinous one for me because I have the dreaded CRD, or Caucasian Rhythm Disorder. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but when you’re sober, making a fool of yourself on the dance floor is even more excruciating. Maybe you’re one of those people who watch Step Up 3, and mimic the moves in your living room. Bust. That. Out! Dancing is a glorious thing if you can do it, so DO IT! As I mentioned, I’m stuck with CRD, but I have a set of moves that are so ridiculous, I can try them out and everyone is too busy laughing at me to realize I have absolutely no rhythm. You’re going to get laughed at anyway, so try and get into it.  Dancing is something I still enjoy doing, but it’s probably best to save your moves until others are dancing as well. No one wants to see you gingerly alone moving your sober body to a beat only you can hear.

Bring Something Fun to Do
This could be anything: a piñata with zany prophylactics instead of candy or nips of vodka; a slip n’slide with a chocolate pool at the end; squirt-guns; a Polaroid camera that all the party guests can mug for; a hookah; an extra pack of smokes for those assholes who are “social smokers” but always forget to bring their own pack; maybe you have some turntables and want to DJ the party; if you’re comfortable doing so, you could even bring some alcohol for other people.

You might already do this anyway when you were drinking, but it’s always best to bring something to a party, and that shouldn’t change simply because you’re sober. If you’re not a substance abuser, and your problems only extended to alcohol, maybe roll a joint for late in the party when the joint person is the most popular guest at the party. Whatever you’re cool with, but don’t show up empty-handed with your non-alcoholic beverages and disdain for everyone else because they can drink and you can’t.

Don’t Fall into Traps
The sober doldrums is what I call them. You show up not wanting to be there (which means you shouldn’t be there); you’re feeling sorry for yourself and for your booze-free life; you’re constantly making reference to your sobriety and making other people feel shitty about having adult beverages; you’re not talking to anyone, and there’s a perpetual frown on your face. Don’t be this person.

For whatever reason, you don’t drink anymore and if you can’t handle being around it THEN DON’T BE AROUND IT. Only you are going to know what you’re comfortable with, and some people aren’t ready, and might never be ready to attend parties where drinking is occurring. This is totally OK. Find something else to do.

Some of your friends might neglect you, or resent your sobriety, but fuck those people because they’re not your friends anyway. Your real friends will adjust and do what they can to be around you. Not the drunken person you were before.

I think you’ll find the vast majority of drinkers and non-drinkers alike will be really happy for you, and will do everything within their power to make it less awkward. People are a lot less scornful then you’d think, so don’t believe your buddies from college will start calling you out for the juice cocktail you’re sipping rather then the Makers Mark you used to guzzle by the handle-full. Actually they might, but have a sense of humor about it. If you can’t laugh at your predicament, it will be even harder to cope, and life is already pretty hard when you can’t have Knob Creek at the end of the day.

Drinking is interwoven into the vast majority of adult interactions, and whatever is preventing you from drinking like everyone else, you’re going to have to learn a way to cope even in the hot months of summer.

You probably don’t want to do this whole thing alone, which is why there are groups and support systems for a booze-free existence. I found out after a particularly harrowing encounter with AA, that meetings and a “higher power” wasn’t really my thing. I’ve led a secular life and continue to do so. I know there are non-religious groups I could go to, but my friends and family have been incredible, and I don’t feel the need. That’s not the case for a lot of people, but regardless of how you’re dealing with sobriety, you don’t need to run and hide from life while you’re doing it.

I go to parties and people get it, and I generally don’t even have to explain what “it” is. I’m lucky. I might crack and have a drink tomorrow, but I’m guessing I won’t. Good luck staying sober this summer. You’re a lot stronger then you think.

For you drinkers, drink one for me (preferably in a sturdily built lowball glass without ice or anything but four fingers of brown).

*Stay home and amuse yourself until you’re ready to face the crowds of happy drinkers. You need to be ready, and only you will know if you are. If anyone needs a sober buddy and they’re super lonely just look me up, and I’d be happy to spend some time with you without alcohol.

**I woke up in jail thousands of miles from home after a 3-day bender, and realized I was done (hopefully forever).

  1. spencerlund posted this