Spencer Lund

Figurative Onanism

On Getting Laid Off

I lost my job this past Monday, and stayed in bed for three straight days re-watching the NBC drama Life with Major Winters Damian Lewis as Charlie Crews.

It would turn into a self-serving shame spiral of a spurned Spencer, and I only pulled myself up with halfhearted alliteration writing about myself in the third-person Rickey Henderson style.

For three days I never left bed except to  get an Italian hero at the local bodega even though there’s an incredible sandwich place three blocks further down Graham Ave. I went to the crappy local one because those 3 blocks might as well have been 50. I didn’t eat that much anyway.

I sat in bed, watched internet television, and felt sorry for myself. I did not blog or text or update, which was nice. I avoided my lady friend, which was lonely.

It wasn’t helpful, and after not showering or shaving for three straight days I looked and felt like this:

I finally got out of bed after reading Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey and realizing pastoral romantic poetry is the hallmark of potheads who don’t think about sex enough (I’m glad I avoided the Coleridge in that edition of Lyrical Ballads).

I went to the gym. I ignored the Monica Seles grunting from the Madonna-armed woman who is always in attendance from 10-12 on weekdays. She can bench more than me, and I can bench my weight. She’s probably pulling down close to six figures in salary and lives in the gorgeous converted condos across Bushwick Ave Woodpoint Avenue from me. She became the epicenter of my misanthropic musing throughout the workout.

Afterward, I drank a banana-infused milkshake and felt much better about people.

Now I’m gonna sit in the sun and stop worrying about silly things like rent. My old Italian landlord is too sweet to kick me out. I hope.

If you want to offer me a job, the Groucho Marx line about “refusing to join a club that would have me as a member” will immediately spring to mind. I think it’s Groucho, but I have napping in the sun to do, and I won’t look it up. 

I’ll take the job anyway and work my ass off for you.

This sucks.

  1. spencerlund posted this